Texas Chili Contest

[Darkstar]

I'm sure some of you have seen this, it cracks me up when i read it, probably because i grow peppers and make a pretty spicy chili (tomorrows sorrow)
hope you enjoy it.....

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as ajudge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I
had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.


Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.


Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.


Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.


Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[unfaithfulsfan]

Thanks for posting that. I hadn't seen it in a long time and my wife never has. Used to have a copy but lost it somewhere. Great one!!!!!!
Jack

[unfaithfulsfan]

PS, you'd probably love my wife's homemade, homegrown stuffed jalapenos. You're miserable eating them but somehow you just can't stop!! etc.

Jack

[Darkstar]

oh wow, that sounds good.....what are they stuffed with? anything like poppers?

sounds like a salsa i make nothing but red peppers, water, bit of lime and some spices. My wife complains its too hot as does everyone who tastes it,(as the continue dipping) but its always gone when i go to have some.

[Alathald]

I love that one, reminds me of certain family members

[vbironchef]

Maybe Legit Reviews should have our own chili cookoff. I'm in.

[unfaithfulsfan]

My wife's a phenomenal cook.

She uses a blend of cheddar and cream cheese with some garlic and onion powder. The then uses a freezer bag with a corner snipped off to fill the cleaned peppers and wraps them with bacon. Holds it all together with a toothpick then fries them till the bacon's done. Between our garden, a friend's garden and the local farmer's market she did about 5 bushels of peppers in various ways last year. Stuffed, nacho slices, whole pickled peppers, salsa (with tomatoes from the garden) and homemade jalapeno/cheddar cheese bread (yum!) She froze about 4 or 5 dozen stuffed. Now all we have to do is pull'em out and nuke'em for a couple of minutes. Muy caliente y bueno!!! (forgive my butchery of Spanish)

She's got a couple of cerrano (spelling?) pepper plants in the garden this year that are almost ready to pick. There are over a dozen on each plant. Make some guacamole with avacado and minced cerranos and you're all set as long as you have plenty of beer!!

Jack

[Darkstar]

My wife's a phenomenal cook.

She uses a blend of cheddar and cream cheese with some garlic and onion powder. The then uses a freezer bag with a corner snipped off to fill the cleaned peppers and wraps them with bacon. Holds it all together with a toothpick then fries them till the bacon's done. Between our garden, a friend's garden and the local farmer's market she did about 5 bushels of peppers in various ways last year. Stuffed, nacho slices, whole pickled peppers, salsa (with tomatoes from the garden) and homemade jalapeno/cheddar cheese bread (yum!) She froze about 4 or 5 dozen stuffed. Now all we have to do is pull'em out and nuke'em for a couple of minutes. Muy caliente y bueno!!! (forgive my butchery of Spanish)

She's got a couple of cerrano (spelling?) pepper plants in the garden this year that are almost ready to pick. There are over a dozen on each plant. Make some guacamole with avacado and minced cerranos and you're all set as long as you have plenty of beer!!

Jack

Now i'm hungry, i'll be dropping in next time i'm back in NY!

Its Serrano peppers and they are great, i always keep a jar of them sliced in vinegar to toss on dishes to spice things up a little. I had some plants at my old place and got hundreds of peppers off them every month.

[DMB2000uk]

I doubt I'd make it even as far as the third judge did!

Dan

[vbironchef]

Got to have the beer! It's not about the contest its about the experience. What I mean is to have a lot of fun!

[kappage]

Awesome joke ive never seen it before, ive always enjoyed a good hot curry or a Laksa, ive never really had Chilli's (peepers what ever you call them) done like that will have to try it some day

[unfaithfulsfan]

You're all welcome to stop by anytime you're in the Buffalo neighborhood! Karen and her mom aren't as fanatical about hot stuff as I am but we all love spicy. I go through big bottle of Tabasco sauce about every two weeks. Carryovers from living in the Rio Grande Valley of Texas and in New Orleans for 5 or 6 years.

My brother came up with a good Asian-style dish he fondly calls "Mongolian Fire Rice." You cut boneless, skinless chicken breasts into small strips and pan fry it in a little bit of oil until it's just done then add sliced onions and green peppers and a couple of tablespoons of Red Chili Oil and cook them until they're fork-tender. Drain and mix with cooked rice, mix well and cover with Cayenne Pepper before serving. if that's not hot enough for you, cook the chicken and veggies in nothing but chili oil. That's guaranteed to make you cry for mama!

Jack

[vicaphit]

I love spicy, but hate beans. I go through a bottle of Szechuan sauce every few weeks, and add crushed red peppers to my ketchup for use with fries.

[Darkstar]

I love spicy, but hate beans. I go through a bottle of Szechuan sauce every few weeks, and add crushed red peppers to my ketchup for use with fries.

Ketchup on fries? thats what Habanero sauce is for!

[vicaphit]

That is a good idea. I never thought of that sauce you find on the tables at mexican restaurants! Maybe I should pick some up.

[kappage]

Ketchup!?!?!? I'm sure you must be mistaken for Tomato Sauce...

@unfaithfulsfan: i might just take you up[ on that offer one day... but then again Buffalo is a ridiculously long way away from me.